I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Everyone says I win the strip club
i out mim tonsoeep
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