I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
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