Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
