Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
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