So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
whose parrot is this?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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