i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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