Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
