Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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