I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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