At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
