last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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