My first STD was from a foam party
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
you made out with another girl for some wings
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
