Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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