I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
