Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
