So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
