eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
