You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
