I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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