For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
