We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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