Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
