your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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