I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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