Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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