bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
