I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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