youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You are a genius and a whore.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
