If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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