i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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