I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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