Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
