I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
