i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I intend to get homeless drunk
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
