we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
