I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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