just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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