I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
