am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
