worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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