You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
