Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
