He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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