I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
