...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
