Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
