fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
