why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
