it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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