I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
