the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
