i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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