I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
