i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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